I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
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I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.