my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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