I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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