I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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