you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You took a bar mat shot.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
