Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
