Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
