So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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