Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
