im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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