morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
