so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Your penis caused this!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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