I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How's work?
Spinning.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
