My sheets look like a crime scene.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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