when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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