Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
