I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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