My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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