dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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