John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
