Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
