Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He did a backflip because drugs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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