Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
