She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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