I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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