I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
