her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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