Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
