I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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