dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
