I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
