Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
