Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
