So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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