hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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