you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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