Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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