She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
