Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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