You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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