I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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