If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
