I accidentally burped into my bong.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
