Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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