His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
