If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
