Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
