i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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