so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
