I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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