Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
