the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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