the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
