It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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