I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
